Buying a Valentine’s Day gift? Before you decide, make sure you know what kind of girl you’re buying for.

Click on the images below to get a true view of your girl. Then take the poll at the bottom of the page to see where you really stand.

Swan

Graceful, faithful, sticks by you no matter what, looks exactly like you.

Warbler

Petite, presentable, prudent, and 42% of your kids are fathered by your neighbors.

Wattled Jacana

Shows up, boinks you, abandons you, then boinks some other birds while you’re babysitting her kids. Expects you to walk on water. And she has wattles.

Bower bird

Groupie who will only boff artists and architects who own mansions. Dimwit.

Screech Owl

Always staring, screeches every time you speak.

Gull

Lesbian nest-owners who use you for your sperm then kick your ass.

Hummingbird

Only interested in acrobats. High-strung. Eats a meal a minute.

Crow

Slob in the nest, never shuts up, eats garbage, sticks by you no matter what.

Raven

Steals from crows, marries for life, enjoys adultery, attacks male immediately after sex when in captivity.

Tasmanian Hen

Ugly. Will only sleep with males who have backup dancers. She makes you share her with your brother.

Parrot

Gorgeous, powders herself all day, loves mirrors, says everything you say in a silly voice.

Penguin

Dumpy, demands a house, dresses like a man, prostitutes herself for extra furniture while you’re at work, makes her kids eat her barf, knees hidden under a layer of fat.

Blue-footed Booby

A nice pair, taller than you, won’t look at you unless you have property.

Blackbird

Nice breast, half your weight, but won’t look at you unless you own real estate, perform a good song, and flash your epaulets.

Oystercatcher

Joins sororities, preens a lot, gets in catfights with other girls, then has lesbian sex with them, then invites you to join.

Click here for more views on the science of the opposite sex.

Artist: Alana Guy Dill
madame.pomegranate@gmail.com