Buying a Valentine’s Day gift? Before you decide, make sure you know what kind of guy you’re buying for.
Click on the images below to get a true view of your guy. Then take the poll at the bottom of the page to see where you really stand.
The Aye-Aye
Ugly as sin, but handy with his toolkit.
Gibbon
Monogamous, faithful, good father, and looks exactly like you.
Lemur
Total wimp but does what you say.
Orangutan
Never commits, beats up every male he sees. Prefers to be alone, chewing
Chimp
Double-standard male. Total spaz with jealousy, yet humps every fertile rump he sees.
Bonobo
Bisexual, feminist, New Age guy who turns every hug into a hump.
Gorilla
Harem-master. Protective, decent father, but kills stepchildren. May eventually be killed by rival horny males who want to be your husband … and the husband of all your girlfriends.
Baboon
Warlike, macho, greets buddies by stroking their scrotums, showers loud females from above with diarrhea.
Macaque
Pay-per-view man. Will pay for photos of female butts and photos of powerful males, but has to be paid to look at pictures of you.
Click here for more views on the science of the opposite sex.
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Artist: Alana Guy Dill
madame.pomegranate@gmail.com